Saturday, 10 October 2015

growing up

Hello! Because it's been...I think it's 7 months since my last post(?) I figured I'd better make sure everyone knows I'm still alive and kicking. In all honesty, it's just been a super busy time and I've also had very little inspiration regarding what to write. But I figured it's time for me to show my face and waffle on about something else - because surely you've missed me? ;)

Still uninspired as to what to write, I started to consider what nonsense I could spurt out to you via the internet. What experiences have I had in my life that would be entertaining or of value to anyone? Then I remembered that I've just moved to uni. And that is a pretty damn big thing. So we'll talk about that! Or I'll talk at you... Or whatever...

Before I got here, everyone was so excited about leaving home and starting their new adventures at their universities. I pretended to be excited, but inside I was actually crapping myself. This was so bloody confusing for me because I have always assumed that I'd absolutely love moving away and living my own life/ I had always been the strong one who never got homesick. Yet I felt homesick before I got here. And I've felt homesick whilst I've been here. 

Now, when I say homesick I don't mean I've been sitting in my room all night, every night crying into my pillow (though I'm sure a fair few people have been). Rather than feeling sad I just felt a bit lost - like I didn't know what to do with myself. That was probably because I was in a new environment and knew nobody. That's changing though, and after three weeks I'm finally settling in, I know that doesn't sound like a long time, but it is when you're away from home.

Moving away from the homesickness though, there's a load of other stuff I learned recently about the whole growing up business. Mainly due to the transition from secondary school to university. Going to uni - a new space with new people - gives you the opportunity to reinvent yourself. I didn't want to reinvent myself - I wanted to be myself. It wasn't so easy to be myself in sixth form because everyone had known me for the past 7 years - I was known to act a particular way and I knew how I had to act around others to feel accepted. Bare in mind that I'm not in any way claiming that I was fake or put anything on in secondary school - just that (like everyone else) I acted in the way that was expected of me. And that in moving to university, I have discovered how different I am to my own expectations. 

I finally told myself to let myself be me. And in doing so I've found that I'm quite a lot more chilled that I thought. I don't like the arguments and the drama that surrounded me at my all-girls secondary school. I don't want to wear dresses and skirts and crop tops and I love wearing comfy cheap clothes and not giving a shit about whether I'm in with the lastest fashion. I went with my gut. I did whatever made me comfortable. And I liked it. It felt good to be comfortable with myself and to not have to try,

So when I came to Cambridge, I carried it on and I cannot express enough how glad I am that I did. Why the hell would anyone want to go into a situation and change themselves to fit in when there are 6000 other people around them - one or two people would most certainly like you for who you are. Be who you are. One or two was an understatement too - I mean, honestly, people are generally more open than you think. And being honest with them and being yourself will give you the best, most loyal friends. Because you don't have to try. I know that may cause some people to leap up in their seats and yell at me saying that people can't help it, I know how it feels and that is the reason why I feel I am able to openly talk about it. But in reality, people shouldn't need to be in that position. People should feel able to be who they are comfortable with, without judgement being passed on them. It's all just a fault of our society, I suppose?

Sorry - I'm waffling again. And weirdly enough, this post has been one of the most personal I've written, But I felt like it was necessary. I just want people to be happy - life is supposed to be happy. And I know from experience that being happy doesn't work so well when you have to try and be something you're not. Wear what you want to wear, do what you want to do and sing until your lungs give out. Challenge yourself. Better yourself. Be yourself. 

It's the only thing that makes sense. 

I'll be back soon. I actually will this time... Life is just starting to get interesting :P

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